Reflection -Or- Why I decided to go Affiliated in 2020.

 

Please note- none of this is in anyway meant to downplay the seriousness of COVID - it has been a bloody awful year for so many in so many ways - I am just trying to see some light and express a little humour.

I thought at the end of this year it would be a worthwhile thing to reflect on why exactly I decided that I no longer gave a rat's rear what people thought of me, my ability to ride or the fact I have decided to do affiliated dressage on a 13;3hh Exmoor x Cob regardless of convention or anything else. I also hope that by explaining my reasoning here that other people will not be scared of doing whatever they want to do with their horses ( covid permitting) – and the more of us that are out there smiling – saying good morning, wishing one another luck, lending each other whips/a hand to load/ a stock pin etc and thanking people for holding open gates ( thank you Ali from 9 to 5 rider podcast for the inspirational and frank conversation last week with Riders helping Riders – so many things to agree with) the much more inclusive riding can become and the more of us will feel like we fit in. So—here we go….

Photo credit to Rob Bayes Photography 

 To use British vernacular (or more accurately to sound like my late Grandmother...) 2020 has been a "trying" year for all concerned*.

*This is why I love the euphemistic and understated nature of the English language - 2020 has indeed been "trying" in the same way that a walk along the coast in a wind-chill of minus 7 whilst hail rains down on you from on high and your 40 kilo Labrador insists on chasing seagulls is called "bracing". Or, indeed, a freshly clipped 16;3hh eventer that has been stabled all night and then let loose on the gallops only to snort and prance like a fire breathing dragon and then attempt to break the land speed record with - or without- its unfortunate passenger, may be described as " a bit fresh".

However, for those of us who have been fortunate enough (so far) to avoid any serious fallout from the pandemic 2020 has been a moment where we all found time to reflect and consider – decide on what is really important.

I often find myself trying to be too many things – have too many goals. I once got described as a “plates on poles kinda gal”- set them all spinning and then rush around to keep each one moving however precariously. I like this analogy – it expresses exactly the sort of person I will become if left to my own devices. Simply taking on more and more and then never fully enjoying the moment -as long as the plates are spinning it doesn’t matter how good it looks or if it is all milliseconds from crashing to the floor.

2020 has stopped all of that for me. I have been forced – and I mean literally forced- to slow the hell down and really think about what is important to me – the things that I want from my life and what makes me truly happy. In order to do that- some of the plates had to stop spinning and I have to make the best of the ones that are left.

The biggest realisation I have come to this year is that in my life there has been one constant – horses.

 

But- I have felt that since I lost my nerve after that fall ** I have kind of “dialled it in” a little. I think I have always told myself that I am not good enough- I don’t have the money, time, talent, balls, ability, drive, confidence, I wasn’t from the right background, everyone is better than me etc.

 

** I have also realised this year that had I had the people around me then that I have around me now that fall- and the one after it -would have loomed much less large in my mind and I think I would have recovered mentally a lot quicker from it and stopped using it as an excuse. I have now realised that the fall gave me confirmation of my own fears that I was useless, a terrible rider and nowhere near as good as my friends who were all so much more accomplished than I could ever hope to be. Imposter syndrome at its finest.

 

A theme I feel that, unfortunately, far too many horse riders can relate to.

I mean, you only have to turn up at a competition and see your scruffy trailer parked next to some 80K Oakley horse box which opens to reveal a skinny thighed, perfectly coiffed, white jodhpur clad rider who oozes confidence as she is handed her gleaming steed by her groom (who has clearly spent half the night plaiting the magnificent steed who, you suspect, has gold encrusted hay nets tied up in the back of said lorry….. to feel more than a little out of place.

You, on the other hand, rock up (late) force open the door to your 20 year old 4x4 ( which is NEVER going to get through it’s next MOT as it is being held together by mud, bailer twine and duck tape) clad in jogging bottoms (or waterproofs) that last fit properly when Blair was in office and your husband’s old jumper which was the only thing to hand in the dark and 80 sizes too big ( and which, incidentally, is now also covered in hay because her ladyship managed to thrust her giant mealy maw in the net for one more quick scarf before you released her from the trailer; where she had been pawing at the ground and neighing like a possessed demon from the underworld for the last ten minutes whilst you attempted to reverse between some cones without running over passing dogs/ horses/ coffee wielding mothers or long suffering hungover horse husbands) swearing quietly under your breath and white knuckled from the drive over (where you prayed to the Gods of the gear stick that you could make it up all the hills without resorting to downshifting to 1^st and causing a traffic jam of already pissed off “ why do they have to drive those bloody horses around on the road” type drivers who have been following you for the last 5 miles. Also, you think you may have left your transmission and/or part of your front passenger tyre in one of the eleventy billion pot holes that – for some INEXPLICABLE REASON every single horse competition venue seems to have on its drive way … only to realise that you have forgotten your girth/ stock/ gloves or dressage test or indeed whatever vestiges of your sanity were remaining.

And all of this before you have even tacked up.

 

SOUND FAMILIER?

 

IF YES – I am going to treat you to a piece of wisdom 2020 has bestowed upon me…

YOU ARE NORMAL

YOU ARE FINE

YOU BELONG

AND EVEN IF YOU DON’T THINK YOU DO – WHO THE HELL CARES? YOU ARE NOT HURTING ANYONE- YOU ARE ENJOYING YOURSELF!

 And that lovely girl in the Oakley horse box is just as scared and nervous about cocking up her test as you are. Honestly- try smiling at her and saying hello- maybe compliment her horse or how white her jods are- I do this ALL THE TIME and it is amazing how open and chatty people are once you realise, THEY ARE JUST PEOPLE TOO and WE ALL HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON (plus they too have doubtless used their horses trailer or box as a bathroom, spilled ketchup on their white jods, kissed their horse on the nose this morning- just like we all have).

 

It was this realisation that in order to belong I had to not worry about belonging and just focus on me and Pippa doing the best we can. This is what I love about dressage. My BD experience this year has been completely positive and I have finally achieved a life time ambition of riding at affiliated level on a self produced horse.

Granted there have been a couple of strange moments such as me politely reminding a lady on a much larger horse that even though I am small and probably difficult to see from such a great height I still need to be passed left to left rather than ridden straight at ( I think this was more to do with her nerves and focus than any desire to actually make me feel inferior – that was probably just my imposter syndrome going into defence mode) and another favourite moment was a lady, on hearing me bemoaning a shoddy canter lead in an early test to my long suffering husband, offering up the advice that “ had I ever heard of quest?” which was well meaning I am sure ( I actually think Quest is fab and so well organised but just not for me as an individual because I enjoy competing BD against myself-I’d rather do team Quest as that feels like it might be more fun and I am hoping to have a go next year with some like minded individuals)  but just seemed a bit of an odd offhand comment.

On both of these occasions it would have been so easy to let my inferiority complex take over and either snap back a snarky comment or brood for days on how I was making a tit out of myself and I should just jack it all in.However- I decided that instead of focusing on reading things in to these comments which probably weren’t there in the first place I would, instead, focus on the positives.

I have had far more compliments and lovely chatty conversations this year at BD ( socially distanced of course) and picked up much needed advice and tips from others ( wear black tights under white jodhpurs and they won’t be see through- WINNER- wear waterproof leggings over white jods in case of spillages and poo stains – DOUBLE WINNER- Bling browbands draw attention to a horses’ head as well as being super cute tiaras for the princess- TRIPLE WINNER) than I have had any, even hinted at, negativity.

 The judges are lovely, the comments are helpful and really give me a focus for improvements. The volunteers and organisers are fantastic, helpful and really good humoured. The other riders are focused, passionate, dedicated, inspirational and talented and you can learn more from supporting them than judging them. What harm is there is wishing someone else luck as you cross over between exit and entry? None at all.

 So- my final thought for anyone who is telling themselves they can’t or they aren’t good enough… IF I CAN, ANYONE CAN.

I urge you to have a go at whatever it is you want to do- and smile at other people who are doing the same.

I have had a fabulous year on horseback this year- and more than ever I realise how blessed I am to have my health and my horse, my home and my husband.

 I hope that in 2021 I can smile at more people as I nervously enter a dressage arena wondering if Pippa is going to poo/ I am going to flash my pants to the judge or if I am going to remember the test.

Happy new year everyone.